1. There were, like … reasons. I know it feels like it fell from the sky and smacked you in the face, but generally, you can predict a breakup by following the trail of arguments, tears, and tequila you started keeping in your house.
2. And those reasons don’t just melt away because you’ve forgotten about the bad stuff. Now that you’re broken up, your ex probably seems like a delightful, bacon-wrapped fig of a person. Never forget the shittiness!
3. Feeling your feelings is awful, but if you suppress them, you’re just pushing back the inevitable. Six months later, you’re sobbing in the pantry at work while Jon from marketing awkwardly rubs your back and breathes a little too heavily out of his mouth. Nope, nope, nope, nope.
4. Oh, and you have free rein to day-drink for at least a week. Obviously I recommend channeling your feelings into training for a 5K marathon, but I’m not a feelings doctor.
5. And order pizza wantonly. The stereotypical Lady Sadfood is Ben & Jerry’s, but I recommending just dropping your head in some pizza like Gluttony in Se7en.
6. That weird salty thing you’re tasting in your cocktail? It’s tears. Congrats, you are a Mixologist of Sadness. Go forth and weep in other people’s drinks as well.
7. You’ll probably cry in public and that’s OK.
8. If your ex dumped you, they didn’t deserve you in the first place. You deserve someone who wants you.
9. If you dumped your ex, it’s not like you’re not “allowed” to feel sad. You’re not the bad guy here. Breakups are hard no matter who drops the ax.
10. Being delusional about possibly getting back together eventually is just prolonging the painful process of getting over them. Do not even think, let alone say, “Mr. Big.”
11. Even if your whole family or all your friends loved them, it still matters most that it wasn’t working for you. I appreciate the input, dad – but you’re not the one who used to sleep with them. (Unless that was why you two broke up #yikes).
12. Being single is kind of fun. You can do whatever you want (except drunk text them – do not do that).
13. Rebounding with one-night stands can be a fun, vibrant distraction –or they can make you feel worse. Depends on you.
14. But you should really shower, at least once in awhile. Growing barnacles won’t make you feel any better.
15. You can actually be incredibly productive during this recovery period. If you refocus the months-long obsession about out why it didn’t work with your ex, you could, like … write a symphony. Or design a goddamn bridge.
16. Sure, you may be boring your friends with your emotional monologues, but that’s what they’re there for. You may not even be boring them! Maybe they’re mentally jotting down everything you’re saying to use in their spec script. (Ew.)
17. But therapy may not be a bad thing. It can be helpful for anyone going through a tough time.
18. It’ll fade eventually. It feels acute now, but it’ll start letting up, and eventually it’ll be like an emotional version of a faintly visible scar you got when you were a kid.
19. The sooner you stop looking at their Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Tumblr/anything, the sooner it’ll start to fade. You know how our parents stayed divorced? Because they didn’t have fucking Facebook, that’s how.
20. And if your ex starts dating somebody else, it’s unhelpful to compare yourself to her.“What does she have that I don’t have?!” Might I theorize, perhaps: The willingness to put up with your ex’s shittier qualities?
21. Fuck everybody: It’s OK to wear sweatpants outside. All about that life.
(By Anna Breslaw)
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